| Graduates The graduate with a science degree asks: "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks: "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree aks: "How much does it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that? The designers of human body Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said: "Actually it was a Civil said: "Actually it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would run toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"through a recreational area?"recreational area?"area?" How Tall Is That Hotel? The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building. Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!" Mechanical vs. Civil Engineers What is the difference between mechanical and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil Engineers build targets. Dirt or Soil? Q: What's the difference between soil and dirt? A: Soil is what comes into the lab and dirt is what we throw out. About Geotechs At ten I played with dirt. At 40 I get paid to play with dirt Retired Engineer There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1 Knowing where to put it: $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. The Six Rules of Civil Engineering
Taken from Justin Calvarese's site Engineer's Dictionary Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board. Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident. Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties - We are working on something else. The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two. Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us. Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised! Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while. Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit. Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. Engineers' Terminologies 1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH It works OK, but looks very hitech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. RUGGED Too damn heavy to lift! 17. LIGHTWEIGHT Lighter than RUGGED. 18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT One finally worked. 19. ENERGY SAVING Achieved when the power switch is off. 20. LOW MAINTENANCE Impossible to fix if broken. Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach 10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1. Dilbert is a documentary. Engineers and fracture Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet! Women vs. Lab An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.” Engineer, Doctor and Pastor A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey,here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The green keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’ s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?” Engineers & Women Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’ t have fit.” Argue with Engineer Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it Optimist, Pesimist, Engineer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Engineer and women 2 An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog the cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I’ll stay with you an do anything you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me? The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now, that’s cool!” |
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